Dear Mr.Clarkson

“…in the West the car is not a tool. It is not a white good. It is not an alternative to the bus or the train. We do not buy cars like we buy dishwashers and toasters. It’s not a decision made on cost or practicality and it certainly has nothing to do with the environment. Otherwise everyone would have a Hyundai Accent with a three-cylinder diesel engine. Or a bus pass.

The reason we don’t is that cars, here, are status symbols, they are cherished members of the family, they are heart-starters, they are art, they are sex, they are glamorous, they are cool…

…However, in what we must now call the developing world, they are not glamorous. They are white, made in Korea and really nothing more than vinyl oxen with wheels. Offer anyone in India a transport solution that’s cheaper and more convenient and they’ll bite your hand off. All the way up to your shoulder.”

- Jeremy Clarkson’s Times Online column (Nov 30, 2008)

I have an exam in 40 hours or so but this cannot wait. It has been ages since I wrote anything, mostly because whenever I felt like writing something I’ve just been convincing myself that I have Writer’s Block. But this is the last straw. I cannot let this go unanswered. It seems our beloved Mr. Clarkson is in dire need of some History lessons. And guess who has that kind of time… (In spite of an impending exam)

Research reveals that the first car ever to be manufactured in India was in 1948 - just sixty years ago. In the 1950’s, the Indian Government took a series of ill-advised and short-sighted decisions which permitted only 7 companies, all Indian, to manufacture and sell cars in India. This move, in conjunction with prohibitively high taxes on imports, was supposed to encourage the growth of an indigenous Automobile Industry but it meant those companies had no competition and hence could build alarmingly poor cars and still sell them. And keep selling them for decades without ever improving them. The Ambassador and the Premier Padmini have always been the definitive Indian cars because they were by and large the only Indian cars from the 1960’s till the mid 1980’s.

And since India was essentially a xenophobic communist state back then, only Oligarch Industrialists and Politicians ever had enough money to buy and run cars. So if you are now in your 20’s or older, it most probably means your parents, like mine, couldn’t even dream to afford a car in the 70’s. On the other hand, if they could, it most probably means you are now a conceited spoiled-brat who’s surrounded by a bunch of pathetic toadies after your money, your favorite sentence is “Do you know who I am?” and you spend Friday nights in the VIP section of Mumbai nightclubs doing Ecstasy and/or “coke”, hoping to score with that Mandira Bedi look-alike chick so you can make your very own scandalous MMS clip.

To explain further, I’d like to use a slightly unconventional, but very appropriate example - Indian movies. Who was the definitive face of Indian cinema in the 70’s? If you said anything other than Amitabh Bachchan, you’re wrong. He portrayed the universally-relevant protagonist who hailed from an ordinary family, attained outstanding academic qualifications hoping to find a decent job but was constantly thwarted by rampant corruption. He’d finally snap and become the much-adored angry young man who’d take the law into his own hands and serve the villain (usually a rich creep who owns many cars and thinks he also owns the town. And he does too) his own brand of justice in the end. How much clearer a picture of an ordinary Indian's life at that time, his hopes and frustrations do you want?

Anyway, things began changing in the mid-1980’s with the Government finally succumbing to mounting pressure and legalizing foreign collaboration, thus creating numerous Japan-India tie-up ventures like the now-obsolete Ind-Suzuki, the very much alive Hero Honda and more significantly, Maruti-Suzuki. And the host of liberalization reforms in the early 1990’s set the wheels turning to change the overall economic landscape of the common Indian middle-class family forever.

For the first time ever, a common man could dream of owning a car, which for several years was the tiny and economical “Maruti-Suzuki 800” (almost universally known simply as “Maruti Car” back then). The Ambassador’s customer-base was suddenly reduced only to two kinds of people - Politicians and Taxi Drivers. The Premier Padmini suffered a worse fate - it was only bought by Taxi Drivers who couldn’t afford an Ambassador.

Now, what kind of cars would ordinary Indian folks with the income to afford a car in the mid 90’s prefer? First of all, the age of an ordinary middle class Indian family man able to afford a car would be north of 40-45. He would probably live in a medium to full-sized city with his wife and two high school kids. He may also have recently finished repaying the Home Loan and owns six pairs of inner wear with lots of holes in them. He, being a man, would have been longing to own a car for ages and would finally summon the courage to bring up the topic in a conversation with his wife. It’d get the kids all excited and would take considerable effort to convince the missus that the car isn’t a luxury item meant only for the rich.

After all this, what kind of car do you think he’s going to buy? Will he be interested in the 0-60 mph or the top speed? He has been taking his wife around town for years on a two-wheeler, he knows he’ll get an earful if he dares to go beyond 40 kph. No wonder he'd choose a small, conservative, economic Japanese car which Mr. Clarkson refers to as “vinyl ox on wheels”.

Point taken, Mr. Clarkson. But if I’m not mistaken, it isn’t the mid-90’s anymore. It wasn’t long after the world discovered that we Indians are extremely good with laptops that our economy suddenly found itself strapped to a rocket headed for the Stratosphere. Now, a common man hailing from humble roots and decent academic qualifications will be able to buy an entry-level car before his 25^th birthday. But this time, the same common man most probably spent the last few years riding a 150 cc motorbike on well-paved highways, with the wind in his hair and a smile on his face. When he was in college, he was likely a huge fan of the Need For Speed computer games and worshiped Michael Schumacher/Mika Hakkinen. He learned riding motorbikes in High School and lusted after his uncle’s immaculately maintained Yamaha RX-100.

My point is, what kind of a car do you think he would love to buy ten years down the line when he has a lot more money and no Home Loan to repay (thanks to his parents) - a white Hyundai Accent?

Now India is home to 650 million people who are in the age group of 14-26. That’s 13 times the entire population of England - Mr.Clarkson's beloved home. And that is a whole lot of petrolheads in the making if you ask me.

So you see, Mr. Clarkson, you really need an update on the status quo in India. Your ignorance is quite surprising, given the fact that your fastest-growing fan base is probably in India. And with so many of us embracing Top Gear as a religion and “POWEERRRR!!!” as the mantra, I very much doubt that the Hyundai Accent will be the most-popular car in India a decade or so from now.

Now, I shall get back to Principles of Dynamics. Don't let my effort go to waste by buying a Hyundai Accent for your 40th birthday.